Have you ever known anyone who lives up to the housewife image of June Cleaver?  Perfect make-up?  Always smiling and calm?  Impeccably dressed from pearls to pumps?  Dinner on the dining table - table with a cloth, mind you - by 5:30 PM; dessert and coffee to follow?  Spotless house?  Made beds? 

I've never met her, either.

As I sit here in my fuzzy slippers, gazing upon a stack of paper and junk mail, watching my son write his name in the dust on the table, I realize that, I might not be June Cleaver, but I have a few helpful hints to share with some of you just starting out on the glamorous path of housewivery.

Here you go:

  1. If it might be a couple days before you "get" to the dinner dishes, keep the lids on your cookware so you won't have to soak pots and pans as long when you're ready to wash them.
  2. You can leave your dirty laundry piled in a heap for 5 - 7 days, in average humidity, before it will mildew.
  3. You can leave your wet clothes in the washer for about 3 days before the load starts to mildew.
  4. Don't bother composting all those spoiled vegetables you cleaned out of the crisper after your new monthly healthy-meal plan fell apart.  You'll never plant the garden.  Cut your losses, toss 'em and buy frozen next time.
  5. Not only is Avon Skin-So-Soft an insect repellent, it makes a great rust remover for the Weber grill.  SSS is also an herbicide.  Do not use it to clean your rusty grill on the front lawn.
  6. Do not buy what the dryer will not de-wrinkle.  If you are under the delusion that you will press those pretty linen pants on sale for 75% off, may I direct your attention to points 2 and 3.
  7. Two words:  Artificial houseplants.
  8. Toss the old magazines, dear.  Yes, you paid a lot for the subscription, but if you haven't read the article in 3 years, you ain't gonna.
  9. Chances are, if you regularly experience any of the above then you’ve married someone just like you.  Hire a lawn guy.
  10. If you can relate to any of this, do not attempt to fry fish at home.

Feel free to add your own helpful hints in the comments.  Maybe together we can craft the next self-help best seller!